How did I just eat an entire bag of M and M's...

Sometimes you dont even notice how you inhale a whole bag of m & m's. Christmas was good, work stinks this is all for now.

Dont let the days go by

Must be your skin I'm sinking in
must be for real cuz now I can feel
and I didn't mind
it's not my kind
not my time to wonder why
everything's gone white
and everything's gray
now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
don't let the days go by

glycerine

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
are you at one
or do you lie
we live in a wheel
where everyone steals
but when we rise it's like strawberry fields

if I treated you bad
you bruise my face
couldn't love you more
you got a beautiful taste
don't let the days go by
could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
could have been easier by three
our old friend fear and you and me
glycerine [repeat]
don't let the days go by
glycerine

I needed you more
when we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
it might just be
clear simple and plain
that's just fine
that's just one of my names
don't let the days go by
could've been easier on you
glycerine

~ Sleeplessness ~

"She Will Always Be A Broken Girl"

She buys a new dress for the party,
She always looks good in red.
Turns around in front of the mirror
And disappears inside of her head.
She wonders if he'll even remember,
She asked him in a casual way.
Just incase he didn't want to go with her,
In that event she knew just what she would say.
She thought of maybe asking a girlfriend,
Even though she only has one or two.
She's always done much better with boys anyway,
So who needs girlfriends?
Pacing nervous across the floor of her bedroom,
Gripping tight the phone in her hand.
Fighting beck the rush of emotions,
And dreaming of just having a man.

[Chorus]
It's a long walk, and the music is loud.
She sees an old friend,
As she walks through the crowd.
Puts on her best smile,
But underneath she's a broken girl.
But It's a long walk, and the music is loud.
She sees an old friend,
As she walks through the crowd.
Puts on her best smile,
But she will always be a broken girl.

She struggles with an awful decision,
Stay at home or walk in alone.
Her mother does her best to console her,
Her father doesn't know what to say.
Puts on her makeup, puts on the new dress.
Holds her head high, then gets in the car.
Tells herself that no one will notice,
Assuming she can make it that far.
On the way she imagines reactions.
Cupped hands whispering into ears.
Secretly hoping that he'll be there watching,
And she's also hoping he won't.
Walking tentative alone up the driveway,
Sees some people smoking off to the side.
She stops and waits until they go back in,
Crosses her fingers and follows behind.

[Chorus]

He'll never get you,
He will never understand.
He'll never get you, you can find a better man.
[x8]

This might be the time to break down.
[x5]

Hush child don't make a sound.

Saying goodbye

I cant bare to go into alot of details. My Aunt has passed away and today was her memorial. In time I will write a entry reguarding her life and other things, I am at this point doing the best that I can. The above photos are of the church in Doylestown where we had the service and a nice picture of my nanny and I.

Unfold Me...

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

HALLOWEEN

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
This is considered a religious holiday to me, its also the first one i have ever worked. Booo, but I'm making the best of it. I am sitting here listening to She wants Revenge - Monologue, eating star bursts and working so its not all together that bad. Sara,Angela and I will be eating,drinking and scaring ourselves tonight. I'm highly excited. Well I must get back to what I am doing. HAVE A FANTASTIC HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!

How special she is to me:

I have a best friend and her name is Sara. I am dedicating a blog to her because she is one of the most amazing people I know. Its rare to have a friend in your life who, treats you so nicely and respects you. We met in 1998 at good old Boscovs. We have been friends since then even with a small break when we didn't see each other for a bit. She came back into my life at an perfect time, last fall when I was in a really bad state. She and I have an amazing history together. We love going away on trips and have got to do a ton of awesome stuff. My favorites have to be San Francisco, Greenwich Village, Westin and OCMD.Its important to me to let her know, that I appreciate her and the kind of friend she has always been to me. I love you to pieces! I have to we are the same damn person lol.

SLEEP

Sleep... thats where I'm a Viking........................

Rant..

So as usual its Monday and I drove to Dunkin on my way to work. It appears that I will only survive a monday with a massiv coffee these days. I get in line, Im maybe 4th. Why is it the people in front of me who are in NON work realted clothing, feel they can just take their gooood old time being it that they DO NOT have to go to work in 20 min. Then, this women behind me who orders a DECAF NO WHIP LATTE WITH SWEET AND LOW, what is the god damn point in driving over, spending 4.00 for crap. I just dont get it. She proceeds to talk to me as we are both waiting for our coffee about this stupid mug they have for sale. I dont know what about my annoyed face said come talk to me. Needless to say my monday is not holding up so far....

I must share this

So, I have the worst time finding jeans...
All I want is something low waisted, straight leg and fitted. But when your the strangest plus sized shape as I am this is impossible. SO I find this website and it tells me it will ask me a series of questions and find a jean for me. My mind races with excitement so I sit and answer all these questions, clicking away. This is my result:
We're sorry, but we didn't find any jeans which match your search... but don't let that stop you!
Simply change your search or choose "reset" under "narrow my results" to see all your results. By the way, we're always on the hunt for more jeans to add to our database, so check back often!

If you haven't already done so, create an account, and we'll notify you of new arrivals!

Well looks like im in a super dooper fantastic mood now!


See my jeans

Happiness

51°F

Well lets just say I told Mother Nature off and she listened for once. Ha, not really but I am wearing warm shoes today and CASHMERE yes I said CASHMERE. I am happy as a toasted peanut! Well I have massive amounts of work sitting here so I must be off to bask in my sweater and drink my coffee...

Sleepy

Yuck, so the weather up here has been less than great. I want my FALL BACK! I was all ready for cashmere and boots and now here I am in short sleeves and open toes. Blasphemy. Well I am not sure what is going on this weekend. Angela,Sara and I were asked to go to NY to see Jess for the weekend. There are some kinks with that still. Last weekend we were all planning to go to Making Time at Pure but it didn't work out, which sorta of stunk being we had our free tickets from the Digital ism show at Transit the week before. I am completely exhausted I need sleep beyond my control and somehow I am going to be getting it tonight one way or another!

Sat mornings

What do I love best about sat mornings...... I drive Angela to work, stop get a coffee at starbys and have quiet me time at home... I love it!

Dedication

http://www.esnips.com/doc/0154dd28-0131-4071-b026-342f21c17046/Gwen-Stefani---In-The-Morning

I wish I could understand....

I worry about you more than I worry about myself. You shouldnt be drinking like you have been on the medication you are on. I wish you could understand what its like for me to see you drunk so much lately. I know your a lot stronger than that and I wish you had the strength to give it up. I love you and I hope you can understand why I get so upset that once again I am sitting here waiting...and where are you drunk.........

Missing her

Sometimes you feel so sad and there is really no reason to feel that way. Sometimes you are completely cynical and cant even believe the words coming out of your mouth. Sometimes you have 20 things you wish you would have gone and done differently. Sometimes you just need to be yourself and be free.

Wanting to spend the rest of my life with one of the most amazing people I know, that is what keeps me so sane these days. To long to be wrapped in her arms and embark on a journey someday is all I can ever hope for. I have been in love with Angela for so long that I couldnt never imagine anyone else holding my hand. I miss her more and more when I dont get to see her. I miss her laugh and the way she smells. As usual I am starting to cry as I write this, its just the feelings coming from the bottom of my stomach. I have imagined my whole life with her, I have pictured moments that havent even happened yet, so here we are a bit after 4 years and I have never forgotten what it was that made me fall in love oh so long ago.

Interesting...

So I went on BeliefNet and took a quiz to see what kind of religion I am most like.
Interesting enough all my families back round in religion minus the catholic ( which as you can see is far at the bottom) is in the top 10.

My mother was raised Catholic, her mother was Quaker Dutch and her father was catholic.There is also Wiccan, Neo Pagan in my mothers family.

My Father was also raised Catholic, his mother was Buddhist and his father was catholic.

My sister and I were not baptized,christened or anything in a church. In my family my father let us choose our own religions based on who we wanted to live our own lives. I am truly thankful to that. I'd rather be who I want to be, than to be one of those so called religious people who proclaim their beliefs/religion and go to church but commit nothing but sins in the eyes of their church.



1.
Neo-Pagan (100%)
2.
Unitarian Universalism (98%)
3.
Mahayana Buddhism (92%)
4.
Theravada Buddhism (88%)
5.
New Age (84%)
6.
Liberal Quakers (78%)
7.
Secular Humanism (69%)
8.
Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (68%)
9.
Taoism (67%)
10.
Reform Judaism (62%)
11.
New Thought (58%)
12.
Jainism (56%)
13.
Scientology (55%)
14.
Hinduism (53%)
15.
Orthodox Quaker (51%)
16.
Bahá'í Faith (48%)
17.
Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (46%)
18.
Nontheist (46%)
19.
Sikhism (45%)
20.
Orthodox Judaism (33%)
21.
Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (24%)
22.
Islam (24%)
23.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (22%)
24.
Seventh Day Adventist (21%)
25.
Eastern Orthodox (13%)
26.
Roman Catholic (13%)
27.
Jehovah's Witness (4%)

Feeling awful

So here I am feeling fatter than fat. Yuck.... I can remember when I was 100 thinner than I am now and I thought I was fat then. If only I could have controlled my life from then till now I wouldn't be in this situation. I quit smoking 3 weeks ago tomorrow( Smoked for 12 years ), so now I will be able to do this with better ease than if I was still smoking like I was. Its October 1st and I am going to try my darnedest to lose 40 pounds by Jan 1st. YES this goal is large and I'm not completely set on reaching it but moving towards it, is enough for me right now. Wish me luck!

Dreams

Ever wonder why your dreams seem so extravagant ? Mine definitely feel that way. I am truly happy in my life and I am so grateful for soo soooo much, but somehow I feel like the things I hold in my hand don't mean as much to anyone else as they do to me...... What am I worth to the people that matter the most to me in my life???

I wrote this 7 years ago wow...

Glass
Through broken glass .. I have these sights breathing, searching wondering around looking for a prayer deep within these wounds i cry yet no one hears the meaning in my voice to many its all a game, a sad story but in all its life... my life only I truly understand it only I can change it, through broken glass Wondrous light, blistering starts quiet dreamless lands sleepless nights, bleeding arms eyes so a glow within a reach is all but the torment pulls away laying and pondering the thoughts of what there is to come echos in my head as I drift headaches as I wake, through broken glass longing to be wrapped in silence that is a whole where there are tomorrows and where the glass is no longer broken so I will not bleed, so I can then understand how and when it became through broken glass..........

San Fran

Ever go somewhere and never want to come back home? That is how I feel about San Fran. There is something so magical about that place that it makes me feel like I already live there and to be here in Pennsylvania, I feel home sick. I can look into that photo and just smell that clean cool air, the beautiful blue sky, the green mountains and remember how happy I was.......

BLEH

I have been craving Dominos for days now. Honestly I couldn't even tell you the last time I ate it too. So here I am sitting at work thinking about this Dominos and there is nothing else I can concentrate on.. I truly believe I am going crazy!!!!

Work!!!

Work stresses me out and I cant even begin to tell you this, More later.